Actual headlines from the past three weeks of my life

(from the newspaper in my head)

• LOST DOG UNITES ARO VALLEY RESIDENTS
• DRUNK DANISH WOMAN SIGNS UP FOR VIDEO STORE MEMBERSHIP AFTER VISITING PUB
• INTERNET COMPANY PUT AREA MAN ON HOLD AGAIN
• LOCAL COUPLE REALLY JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN NEXT EPISODE OF ‘HOMELAND’